I think I've given up. Everything is a mess. My room. I don't even try anymore. The property management is going to "smallen" my room even more with a fire escape. Where the heck am I going to put my bed? I don't have any room as it is. Tired of my job. Tired of everything. I like to "blame" it on my sister's death, but there's only so much of that that is attributable to my "troubles." I need some inspiration. Not motivation--that just scares me. Inspiration.

Ok, I'm watching the OC and I am totally jealous of this house! They're at a FUNERAL and I want to be there--it's beautiful! And if there's anything in my wardrobe, it's funeral-wear (re: job at Vicki's).

Today, no reason to get up, so I didn't until 5:30 pm. I could have made up a reason, like going to get my nails done or renting a video, or even taking out the trash, but I didn't see the purpose. I got up to lie on the couch and watch TV but there was nothing interesting to me. I watched The Fog (meh) and aimlessly checked and re-checked the guide to see if anything else was coming on. There wasn't. I watched the end of Dazed and Confused, which I used to love, and made a sandwich. I'm online right now because I wanted to see if anyone was there. There wasn't. *sigh* This sucks. I used to be able to amuse myself and be satisfied, but no more, apparently. Now there is just so much time to occupy. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, either. I can be with my loving (and loved) family and still have the cloud of unhappiness interrupt my good time--the same one that affects me when I'm alone! I just want to curl up and sleep through it, but it's still there when I wake up. I count the hours until bedtime. I don't want to leave the house because I'm too far away from the "safety" of my bed and/or sleep. I'm not even going through the motions most of the time. Do other people really go through this? *shakes head* I don't know how they survive.

loneliness
meaningless
desperate

emptiness broken only by distractions
forced spirituality not taking over
creativity crushed by lack of talent
liveliness swallowed by lack of direction
not enough people to love
too many people to love
specialness not so special
optimism failing
daily purpose missing
scared of failing, of losing it again

pointless movements and attempts
squandered and squashed, imploded
loneliness and boredom, repetitive
lack of dreams for reality
defeated
"You've been happy before, you will be happy again"
hopeless and half-hearted
strengthless
unnecessary struggle
forgot the point

I know, I'm a terrible person for saying this, but I resent everything about my roommate right now. She was just using my computer in her room--just took it upon herself to pack up and bring it in there. I went to bed fuming. An hour later (aka now) I got up and asked if "I could use my computer." She said, "Of course." Well, I then said "You know, I bought that last year with my tax return. You could probably get one for a fraction of the price with your tax return this year." A little catty, don't you think?
She seldom cleans the catbox (it smells like ass with two cats after about 10 minutes)--I think it's because she's too FAT to get to it!!
She spends almost all of her free time on MY computer that I spent MY tax return on last year!!
She puts wet dishes (only three--heaven forbid you DRY THREE dishes) on the counter in front of my toaster oven. There is one square foot of space there, and it is needed for toaster oven access. There are FOUR square feet on the OTHER counter, but can she use that one? You know the answer, come on..."NOOO" So when I come home hungry I need to move the pans and the towel to the other counter. So I dried them. So I could cook something to eat after work.
Did I mention that she does not use the heat-retardant LAP DESK for MY computer? Maybe she will start taking naps in my bed!
Oooh, and all the time she spends on the computer will lead her to another guy who is probably disappointed that that nice girl from YAHOO weighs FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS because she ate MY popcorn while using MY computer to find said guy in the first place!!!

Finally, my medication is working and I'm not dizzy. But now I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sit around and stare at the TV or lose myself in some game on PS2. It doesn't matter which game--none of them are what I feel like. I have a headache. There's a list of phone calls I need to make, but I hate the phone. And, my phone has a spotty performance record at best in recent days. How annoying to be on the phone trying to TCB and then, "What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you" while I am in the middle of a sentence explaining what I need or want.
The lethargy could be the few days of meds I did not take while I was excruciatingly dizzy, or the low that follows a high (but if feeling normal is my high...?). I felt like this yesterday, too, and since I wanted to do nothing, I slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day. It could be Jenn, being undeservedly tortured again, so soon after the last time. It could be me, only having one week of not working left (I don't want to go back, No, don't make me!!)
I'm supposed to do "opposite-to-emotion action" and make the phone calls anyway, but I really wish I felt like it. But as S. King likes to say, "If wishes were horses...."
So here I am, using something I never do to put off doing what needs to be done. Maybe I'll clean out my file

She is sweet.
She is sarcastic.
She is funny.
Her writing, how you say, ees purrr-fect (remember Walter Drake)
Good punctuation, humor, poking fun at oneself is always funny...like on her knitting blog about Izzy and her sheepie measuring tape. "Sheepie mine. I eat you now."
I trust her.
She loves M&D and thinks they're cute (so do I!!)
There's more of course, but those are the things I was just thinking about.