caurielle

caurielle @ 2009-07-18T14:09:00

2009-07-18T18:12:42Z

I think I've given up. Everything is a mess. My room. I don't even try anymore. The property management is going to "smallen" my room even more with a fire escape. Where the heck am I going to put my bed? I don't have any room as it is. Tired of my job. Tired of everything. I like to "blame" it on my sister's death, but there's only so much of that that is attributable to my "troubles." I need some inspiration. Not motivation--that just scares me. Inspiration.

The OC

2007-06-18T22:24:59Z

Ok, I'm watching the OC and I am totally jealous of this house! They're at a FUNERAL and I want to be there--it's beautiful! And if there's anything in my wardrobe, it's funeral-wear (re: job at Vicki's).

caurielle @ 2007-06-15T01:44:00

2007-06-15T05:44:25Z

You Are A Blue Girl

Relationships and feelings are the most important things to you.
You are empathetic and accepting - and good at avoiding conflict.
If someone close to you is in pain, it makes you hurt as well.
You try to heal the ones you love with your kind and open heart.

What Color Girl Are You?

caurielle @ 2007-05-19T22:06:00

2007-05-20T02:22:29Z

Today, no reason to get up, so I didn't until 5:30 pm. I could have made up a reason, like going to get my nails done or renting a video, or even taking out the trash, but I didn't see the purpose. I got up to lie on the couch and watch TV but there was nothing interesting to me. I watched The Fog (meh) and aimlessly checked and re-checked the guide to see if anything else was coming on. There wasn't. I watched the end of Dazed and Confused, which I used to love, and made a sandwich. I'm online right now because I wanted to see if anyone was there. There wasn't. *sigh* This sucks. I used to be able to amuse myself and be satisfied, but no more, apparently. Now there is just so much time to occupy. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, either. I can be with my loving (and loved) family and still have the cloud of unhappiness interrupt my good time--the same one that affects me when I'm alone! I just want to curl up and sleep through it, but it's still there when I wake up. I count the hours until bedtime. I don't want to leave the house because I'm too far away from the "safety" of my bed and/or sleep. I'm not even going through the motions most of the time. Do other people really go through this? *shakes head* I don't know how they survive.

caurielle @ 2007-05-19T22:02:00

2007-05-20T02:04:51Z

loneliness
meaningless
desperate

caurielle @ 2007-05-17T16:46:00

2007-05-17T22:18:43Z

emptiness broken only by distractions
forced spirituality not taking over
creativity crushed by lack of talent
liveliness swallowed by lack of direction
not enough people to love
too many people to love
specialness not so special
optimism failing
daily purpose missing
scared of failing, of losing it again

Time is eternal as my misery

2007-05-16T20:31:26Z

pointless movements and attempts
squandered and squashed, imploded
loneliness and boredom, repetitive
lack of dreams for reality
defeated
"You've been happy before, you will be happy again"
hopeless and half-hearted
strengthless
unnecessary struggle
forgot the point

OMIGOD MY ROOMMATE IS ANNOYING OMIGOD MY ROOM

2007-01-23T04:03:00Z

I know, I'm a terrible person for saying this, but I resent everything about my roommate right now. She was just using my computer in her room--just took it upon herself to pack up and bring it in there. I went to bed fuming. An hour later (aka now) I got up and asked if "I could use my computer." She said, "Of course." Well, I then said "You know, I bought that last year with my tax return. You could probably get one for a fraction of the price with your tax return this year." A little catty, don't you think?
She seldom cleans the catbox (it smells like ass with two cats after about 10 minutes)--I think it's because she's too FAT to get to it!!
She spends almost all of her free time on MY computer that I spent MY tax return on last year!!
She puts wet dishes (only three--heaven forbid you DRY THREE dishes) on the counter in front of my toaster oven. There is one square foot of space there, and it is needed for toaster oven access. There are FOUR square feet on the OTHER counter, but can she use that one? You know the answer, come on..."NOOO" So when I come home hungry I need to move the pans and the towel to the other counter. So I dried them. So I could cook something to eat after work.
Did I mention that she does not use the heat-retardant LAP DESK for MY computer? Maybe she will start taking naps in my bed!
Oooh, and all the time she spends on the computer will lead her to another guy who is probably disappointed that that nice girl from YAHOO weighs FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS because she ate MY popcorn while using MY computer to find said guy in the first place!!!

caurielle @ 2007-01-05T10:31:00

2007-01-05T15:31:54Z

Finally, my medication is working and I'm not dizzy. But now I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to sit around and stare at the TV or lose myself in some game on PS2. It doesn't matter which game--none of them are what I feel like. I have a headache. There's a list of phone calls I need to make, but I hate the phone. And, my phone has a spotty performance record at best in recent days. How annoying to be on the phone trying to TCB and then, "What? I'm sorry, I can't hear you" while I am in the middle of a sentence explaining what I need or want.
The lethargy could be the few days of meds I did not take while I was excruciatingly dizzy, or the low that follows a high (but if feeling normal is my high...?). I felt like this yesterday, too, and since I wanted to do nothing, I slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day. It could be Jenn, being undeservedly tortured again, so soon after the last time. It could be me, only having one week of not working left (I don't want to go back, No, don't make me!!)
I'm supposed to do "opposite-to-emotion action" and make the phone calls anyway, but I really wish I felt like it. But as S. King likes to say, "If wishes were horses...."
So here I am, using something I never do to put off doing what needs to be done. Maybe I'll clean out my file

Some things I appreciate about my sister

2006-08-21T00:59:04Z

She is sweet.
She is sarcastic.
She is funny.
Her writing, how you say, ees purrr-fect (remember Walter Drake)
Good punctuation, humor, poking fun at oneself is always funny...like on her knitting blog about Izzy and her sheepie measuring tape. "Sheepie mine. I eat you now."
I trust her.
She loves M&D and thinks they're cute (so do I!!)
There's more of course, but those are the things I was just thinking about.

caurielle @ 2006-05-03T16:12:00

2006-05-03T20:12:59Z

I've learned all I need to learn and none of it inspires me.

caurielle @ 2006-05-03T14:31:00

2006-05-03T18:55:55Z

Why do appearances matter? I'm overweight, pale, and unhappy. I have not showered or changed my clothes, brushed my hair or teeth. I have no desire to do so. I will not be seeing anyone today, nor will anyone see me. Tomorrow, I will, so I will have to do all those things to be presentable. But really, who does it hurt? I don't know anyone here and do not care to (since I will be moving). Who will I be offending? Whose life will I damage? No one's. But out of respect for others, I will do those things that take time but matter not.
When I visit friends or family, or go to work, I must do these things because?...
I don't want to offend them.
I feel inadequate if I don't. (gross, really)
They showered for me!! (ha-ha)

I'm not a fashion plate or attractive or anything. I'm not trying to, nor would I, impress anyone. It's the inside that counts, right? Well, who really cares about that, either? All people care about is themselves, right? So what does it really matter that there is nothing I want to do, ever? I feel important only when other people are talking to me (because I am empathetic), or laughing at something I say (because I am witty), or ask me for my opinion (because I am good at problem-solving). And they will only do so if I am presentable. If I am not, and they don't come to me, they will just have to find someone else to make them feel good.

Wow. Writing all this had made me really sad. I had no idea that those thoughts were all connected. I am SOOO looking forward to living with my friend and being near my family, to help give me a sense of purpose. Because nothing really matters to me at all except for my family. There's no reason as of yet for me to be here besides them. Sure, I want to travel and learn about new things, but there's really no purpose served by doing those things (except to take my mind off the fact that life is essentially meaningless and that makes me very sad). Seriously, going through life is hard work for nothing, but because I believe in God and the fact that there must be a reason and I cannot wait for something to come to me about that, I continue to work hard.
Is it just to find out that distraction is the meaning of life? I am not magical. I cannot create anything or do anything special. Then again, these things are true of everybody. I would not want anyone to suffer from these thoughts like I am, but I know many people do. I am really good at telling people that life is worth it and blah, blah, blah and they believe me, but I do not believe myself. How sad. I feel like by being happy, I will be giving up my search for the truth about life. I mean, why am I lucky enough to be selected by God to have life? Meaning, if life is a gift, what is so special about it? It certainly cannot be going to work every day and eating and sleeping and cleaning the house. It cannot be about learning new things so that when I die, all those things are lost. Or is the meaning of life that nothing you do really harms you because life is finite anyway? If that's the case, then why do we have rules? Obviously, so as not to hurt others, of course. But if I don't go to work and ultimately not be able to eat because I have no money to buy food, who am I hurting? I might hurt someone's emotions, but when they die, those emotions will be gone. And how can I be so self-centered as to think someone might be so hurt by losing me that their lives would be changed? Is that the meaning of life, to influence someone else so much that their lives are changed, even though it will not be forever?

Whew. I'm giving myself a headache. And I'm running out of Kleenex. (Not really, I always have a million).
This is why I need to be around people who care about me. So I don't think about this crap.

caurielle @ 2006-04-19T21:12:00

2006-04-20T01:17:50Z

You know, I'd really enjoy being an actress. Too bad I'm not talented. But seriously, I act every day at work. I'm motivating, I love my job (people tell me so). Maybe I should take it on the road (lol).
I wouldn't be able to deal with the fans, though. I would definitely have to be obscure. I'd be like, "What do you want? I'm an actress so I don't have to talk to real people, just characters pretending to be cool." This may be why I stay home and play RPGs all the time. *pleads with the heavens* When, WHEN will I like people again?!?!?! I'm gonna be that crotchety old man, living in the woods, unclean, unshaven, mumbling to himself and the stuffed bird he thinks is alive. Sounds like a good career entry...

caurielle @ 2006-04-12T22:35:00

2006-04-13T02:42:40Z

Used to go out for a drive when i felt like this. Would leave the house. Would not feel, "No, I can't, it's too late to go out" It never used to be. Feel restless and unsatisfied. Have to get up early tomorrow--never used to matter. When did I change, exactly? I am still the same, but my actions are different (and don't necessarily make me happy). I used to love to go to the beach sometimes, at the drop of a hat, didn't mind the road trip. "No, I can't, I need to go to bed" Then I'm awake for hours. I'd be better off going. But I don't feel the pull to the beach. I feel a pull, but I don't know where to go, what to do. Sometimes, that's the reason why I go to sleep--at least my dreams are interesting and I do things there. I'm with people I care about and I feel good, safe. I wish I could feel that way in real life. Instead of bored and safe. Or whatever.

caurielle @ 2006-04-12T15:27:00

2006-04-12T19:35:26Z

It's almost like I try to overwhelm myself. The Store Manager position is open in Copley Place, and being competitive (but an unbeliever in myself), I voiced an interest. /shakes head
I don't even clean my apartment regularly, what makes me think I can run that store?? Why would I want to? Sure, it's downtown Boston, my one true love, sure it would be more money, blah blah blah, but what if it's too much? It's my old DM's district, and the last time she knew me, and apparently she still thinks this way, I was unstable. So, of course, I think that way too. Not the way people who know me now think of me, which is a good way. No, I am crap. I will never be better or good. /shakes head again. This is why I need to move near home--to have a solid base of people who love me around me. I tried to do it on my own, but I couldn't. You know, it's okay...you need loving people around you to pick you up and tell you to stop putting yourself down (I do it all the time--put myself down, then tell myself to stop putting myself down--no wonder I'm exhausted--I have to be 2 people!!)

caurielle @ 2006-04-06T10:39:00

2006-04-06T14:39:38Z

Had interview with the DM of the Rhode Island district. I could learn from her, and my boss, Laura, says she (Denise) is a good contact to have. Laura is also a good contact to have--for me. She encourages me to be "who I am" and that anyone would be a "fool" not to consider me for a top position. Cool. We have worked together for 3 out of 5 years, so she knows me very well and I have learned a lot from her.

caurielle @ 2006-04-02T15:00:00

2006-04-02T19:23:09Z

Did a little packing today--just DVDS, games, and the games' books, plus a few pieces of decor. Four boxes already--and it doesn't look like anything happened. I am NOT looking forward to seeng how much I have. I want to hire a mover...I wonder how THAT's gonna go. One small bedroom can run between $800 and $1600, so I want to move less than what I might otherwise. Lemme tell ya, Salvation Army will be getting a lot of what I have, just because I don't want to pay to move it. And I don't like just throwing things away.
My roommate from college who lives in CA called and left me a message a week ago and I haven't even listened to it. If we talk on the phone, the monologue lasts a MINIMUM of an hour and a half. Yes, I meant monologue. It's tiring to be interested in someone who makes up drama that doesn't even exist and will not listen to you or even give you a chance to say "Right...sure...you got it...you don't deserve that..." I feel extremely guilty about it, but don't find it necessary or even possible to bring up this subject. Plus, I don't even want to email her. She'll just send me crap like how to buy Avon from her, or how she borrowed more money to live or something. She went in to the hospital to have, I don't know, her spleen removed or something(that wasn't it, but I wanted to give you a sense of her drama), and you would have thought she was dying. It was a basic procedure that everyone goes through, but she sent out a mass email to all her "friends" saying that she would be out for a long time and wouldn't be able to move or cook or blink or something.
I wanted to tell her she was full of shit and to stop being a drama queen but she's not the kind of friend that listens to stuff like that. Instead I said something like, "Thank you for letting me know. I so glad that you have people out there to take care of you..." She won't get the hidden ending of the sentence, which was "so that I don't have to be involved with that crap." Seriously, I have had so many procedures done myself and I MIGHT have told Jo (my best friend) and I pretty much went through them all alone. I like attention, but I don't respect people who constantly ask for it. And Jo and I joke about being "pity whores," but she hasn't met my CA friend.
Yes, I do not respect my CA friend. And she thinks the world of me. I HATE that. I am a good person, and I care about people, but she just asks too much of others. I know she's been through a lot in her life--her childhood was not great. But after living for a while, I have discovered that just about everyone has had childhood trauma. If everyone reacted the way she does to everything, the world would be a mess. Get OVER yourself and stop making a big DEAL about everything. UGH.
BTW, my sister asks for NO attention (come to think of it, neither do my aging parents, nor did my dying grandmother), so I am naturally more worried about and interested in them. That could be why I can't stand the extreme my friend goes to. I wish people would accept the normal things they go through instead of looking for attention for EVERY LITTLE THING. Yes, you have aches and pains. Yes, you're fighting off a cold. Don't you know there are people out there who TRULY SUFFER EVERY DAY of their LIVES? You should be ashamed of yourself!
Okay. I'm done.
Thank you.
lol

caurielle @ 2006-04-01T14:30:00

2006-04-01T19:32:54Z

Darkness closing in. Rain impending. Or is it sun?
What mood should I be in? Am I happy? Bored? Restless? Undecided.
New type of Haiku--never got original

caurielle @ 2006-03-30T22:12:00

2006-03-31T03:21:27Z

Let's see...hmmm...work...one out of my two segments was successful. I did some of the planning for the meeting on Tuesday and did what I could for it. I sourced the manager of the new store in the mall, Urban Behavior (very cute store). That company is out of Canada and took over 60 of the old Weathervanes (yes, Weathervane is out of business again). I did some meaningful sales training with two new girls and completed two associate observations. I might have done more stuff, but I can never remember. It doesn't really matter unless I'm at work. But I'm told I do/accomplish/contribute a lot, so I think this LJ may be helpful. It also may be boring, but sometimes I'm interesting, I KNOW I am!!
If anyone (hint, hint finding_her) has a suggestion about how to make pretty things, I'd be interested. Like, how do I get an icon, blinkie, or pixel? Do I need a paid account? How can I change my font, or can I? That is the next step I would like to take. I'm not ready to look for friends yet. Story of my life:)

caurielle @ 2006-03-29T21:36:00

2006-03-30T02:43:06Z

I spent almost a 12-hour workday talking about how to write a schedule (which was ineffective and a waste of time the way it was done), how to sell our upcoming product launches, our new system for integrating all the brands in our company, and how to effectively source top talent. Wow. That sounds impressive (cough-boring). It was actually fun, though, to see other people across our district. My coworker and I drove 2hours to get there and back (ugh) but we didn't shut up the whole time. We have similar personalities, I guess--she laughs at me when I need to be laughed at, so it's cool.
Now I have to prepare to facilitate a district-wide training on Tuesday, but I'm too tired tonight to do the work. I really should go to bed and see if I can do that tomorrow AT work. (shrugs)Meh. We'll see.
Good night!